Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:
1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?
2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like fucking a wishing well?
3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.
4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.
5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.
6. So in Twilight, all the bodily fluids of the vampires are poisonous. Their spit is venomous and their eyes juice is so acidic that it dissolves contact lenses, yet their semen is perfectly harmless. Um…what?
7. Edward’s entire body is made to be super violently fast and all inhumanly strong. So when he had unprotected sex with Bella, why didn’t his super-semen shoot through her body like a bullet out the back of her skull?
8. Remember when Edward kept telling Bella that he couldn’t plow her because it was “just too dangerous” and she just wouldn’t lay off? I wonder if he ever just said “IT’S BECAUSE I WOULD BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY SEMEN, BELLA! GOD! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. I’M JUST TRYING TO BE DELICATE HERE.”
9. If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.
10. Unless the vampire suffered from premature ejaculation. That would be a shitty way to go. Especially if you didn’t even get it all the way in and he just accidentally shot off your leg with his semen. That would totally suck.
11. I bet the reason why the Cullen’s sit alone at lunch is because they don’t want to get too close to all those girls on their periods.
12. Wait, did Bella just never have a period, ever? How did she get pregnant then? Why wasn’t shit this covered in the books?
14. I bet it sucked when Bella was pregnant and living at the Cullen’s house because when you’re pregnant you get super gassy and every time she farted everyone in the entire house would know it instantly no matter where they were because they all have that super-amazing sense of smell and hearing. Except Alice can tell the future so she probably knew it was coming and had some kind of codeword to use so everyone could stop breathing for awhile. Probably, something like “Bella’s about to fart, you guys”. Alice isn’t very subtle.
15. If I was Bella I’d never be able to use the bathroom at the vampire house. They all know what you’re doing in there, Bella.
16. You know what would suck? If you were the human girlfriend of a vampire and you wanted to have oral sex but the dental dam dissolved because of his caustic mouth venom and then you got infected with vampire venom. In the vagina. That would be like Chlamydia times a billion, probably.
17. I wonder if I’m the only person who’s ever wondered this stuff? My guess is “yes”.